Pregnancy and labor were nothing compared to breastfeeding. While the past two weeks have been wonderful meeting and getting to know our daughter, they've also been the hardest two weeks of my life. When Eleanor was born, no one at the hospital showed me how to get her to latch on properly. The lactation consultant who stopped in my room the first two days never got closer than a foot away from my bed, and aside from bringing my a different size nipple shield, didn't offer anything. And since I'd never breastfed before, I had no idea if I was doing it right so when she asked how it was going I said I thought okay. Once we got home, things went even more downhill. Every time I fed Eleanor I was crying and biting my shirt in pain. I was bleeding and sore. Finally the Saturday after Eleanor was born Matt called a private lactation consultant to come out to the house. She showed me how to get Eleanor latched on correctly, which made a world of difference. But by that point, I was already pretty damaged physically from 5 days of incorrect latching. When Eleanor was a week old we visited the lactation department at the hospital where she was born. At this appointment we found out that I already had mastitis. The lactation consultant there wouldn't even let me nurse because I was so hurt and scabbed. She had me pump and feed Eleanor through a special bottle. However, after a day of that I wasn't able to keep up with how much Eleanor was eating so I took her off the bottle and started her back on the breast. This led to two days of Eleanor feeding for 40 minutes at a time, only to wake up 20 minutes later hungry and wanting to eat again. So we made another trip to a lactation consultant, where we learned two things. One, Eleanor is a biter. When she latches on, she likes to chomp down several times before beginning to eat. Two, she's a lazy nurser. She likes to fall asleep a few minutes into nursing and is very hard to wake up. So for the past four days feeding sessions have lasted an hour or more with me feeding Eleanor from both sides twice. The whole time I'm feeding her I've been doing all sorts of shenanigans to keep her awake - undressing her, changing her diaper, playing with her feet, rubbing her with a cold washcloth - you name it, we've done it. This is much harder to do by myself now that Matt is back at work. Today I went to a breastfeeding support group and had a bit of a breakdown. Eleanor has not really gained any weight in almost a week and she is still only taking an ounce or so at each feeding, which is not nearly enough. And I can't get her to stay awake, at all. My milk supply has dropped dramatically because Eleanor isn't eating much, and I'm not eating enough to sustain my milk production because I am feeding Eleanor all the time. The lactation consultant at the support group told me to feed Eleanor every two hours and pump after 4 feedings a day. This means that I would get an hour or less of sleep/break between feedings all day long. And I was told that if Eleanor didn't start gaining weight soon, we'd be in trouble. So after much crying on my part (and I mean the ugly-crying, sobbing kind of crying) and realizing that I'm not able to provide the nourishment that our daughter needs, Matt and I decided tonight that we're done. We've exhausted our options and in the end, Eleanor needs to grow. And she needs a mom who enjoys her rather than a mom who dreads when the two hour mark gets close on the clock because it means another feeding, another unsatisfied baby, and more tears. So tonight Eleanor will get her first bottle of formula. I breastfed her before dinner tonight and cried knowing that it was likely the last time I would feed her that way. I'm feeling a lot of guilt. Breastfeeding was one thing I was determined to make work. I had even told Matt that he wasn't allowed to let me quit for the first six weeks. But I never thought I'd want/need to quit because my child wasn't getting what they needed; I always thought I would struggle because of the pain. Now I can get her latched on decently and once we get through the biting things are usually okay. But she's not eating, and I don't know how to get her to eat. I gave Eleanor a bottle of pumped breast milk after feeding her this evening and she gulped it down and is now out cold. Clearly she was still hungry and I can't bear the thought of starving my child, even unintentionally. So the plan is for me to pump until my supply is gone, and we will give Eleanor any milk that I pump. But eventually Eleanor will be on formula only. Emotionally I'm having a hard time with that, but it's what we feel is best for our family as a whole. And hopefully someday when we give Eleanor a brother or sister this whole journey is a smoother one.
Our Daughters Are...
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Birth Story
I want to get this down before the details blur. And because I was totally one of those women who had no idea they're in labor.
The Friday and Saturday before Eleanor was born I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. My stomach would tighten, and occasionally I could feel the tightness in my back. I timed them, and sometimes they were consistent (between 5-20 minutes apart) and sometimes they weren't. And they would slow down or stop at times. So while I was having more Braxton Hicks than normal, I didn't think much of them since they didn't keep up. Matt and I walked the mall a bit and I sat on my exercise ball a ton, but we couldn't get the contractions to stick around. By Sunday and Monday, when I wasn't having as many contractions we had resigned ourselves to waiting until Baby B decided to make an appearance and were convinced that we still had a while.
Monday 1/2 Matt and I hung around the house all day. We decided to go out to dinner at our favorite Japanese steakhouse as kind of a final nice date night for a while. Just as we were getting ready to head upstairs and change clothes I felt a pop and a gush of fluid. I told Matt, "Um, I think my water just broke." This was at 5:23pm. I called the doctor (my doctor was on call) and she said to come on in and get checked and that if my water had broken or I was having contractions that were causing me to dilate I would be staying. Keep in mind at this point that I am in no pain whatsoever. I'd been having some mild cramping off and on during the day on Monday, but nothing even as bad as when I'm starting my cycle. And again, cramping had been normal for me the last several weeks. Matt and I went upstairs, changed clothes, and took our time getting the last-minute things we needed for the hospital bag together. During this time was when I realized those mild cramps I had been having must be contractions, as they started to get a little more intense and were regular. But nothing that was really bothering me or that I couldn't talk through.
Matt and I got everything in the car and headed out. We stopped at Panera to get something to eat because 1. I was hungry and 2. I don't function well without food. We figured if I really was going to push a baby out, I needed to eat something. It was while Matt was inside ordering that the contractions (still just cramping, not the wrapping around your stomach and back that all the books and all of our childbirth classes said contractions felt like) started getting to the point that I needed to concentrate on breathing through them. They were painful, but I wasn't writhing in pain. Matt and I ate on the drive to the hospital, with me pausing in conversation about every 4 minutes to grip the door handle and breathe through a contraction.
We arrived at the hospital at 6:30, so only an hour after my water broke. The nurse took us to a triage room and checked me. She immediately told me that yes, my water and definitely broken AND I was already dilated to 8 cm and was 100% effaced. I looked at her in shock and, I'm not going to lie, swore. Not in a bad way at her, but in an "Oh, shit!" kind of way. I had thought that maybe I'd be dilated to 4 or 5 cm, but 8!?!?! That's like almost ready to push out a baby!
The nurses immediately got us moved down to a labor and delivery room and things were kind of a whirlwind for the next 45 minutes or so. I had nurses on both sides of me firing questions right and left. The anesthesiologist was in there getting ready to put in my epidural. By 7:15 my epidural was in and I wasn't feeling anything. Getting the epidural wasn't bad at all, I just felt some pressure. Honestly, the most painful part thus far (aside from those contractions that had definitely picked up pace and intensity but still felt like cramping) was getting the line placed for my IV in my left wrist/forearm.
The epidural was amazing. I couldn't feel any of the contractions that were showing up on the monitor. It was kind of weird to be able to move my legs around but not really feel them. I told Matt they felt like huge tree trunks when I felt them with my hands because I could just feel the pressure of my hands. But that epidural allowed me to get some rest, which was really helpful since we were heading into evening/night time. Matt and I hung out and watched a couple movies (A League of Their Own and When Harry Met Sally). I had purposely brought movies I knew well so I didn't really have to focus on them...because I thought I'd be dealing with contractions and would be at the hospital for a while waiting to dilate. I alternated between watching the movies and going in and out of sleep.
At 9:35 the nurse checked me again and I was dilated to 10 cm. The contractions had slowed down a bit due to the epidural and were now at about 5 minutes apart, which is why it took a little bit to get to 10. The nurse told me that the baby was still a little bit high to start pushing so they were going to let me labor down for about an hour. Basically this meant I continued to hang out in bed watching movies, sleeping, and letting the contractions do their job of pushing the baby down.
My mom got to the hospital around 10:30 and Matt brought her back to say hi to me. Not 10 minutes after my mom came in my nurse walked in and said, "Okay mama, ready to start pushing?" I was like, "Oh! Um, okay!" At this point it hadn't really sunk in that we were having a baby tonight. My mom went back out to the waiting room and the nurse talked to me about how to push. I started pushing at 10:40. For each contraction I would push for 3 counts of 10. The nurse watched the monitor and told me when to push. Each time I pushed she held one leg back while Matt held the other. In between I had Matt re-wet a washcloth with cold water. I had this on my forehead while I was hanging out in bed, but when I pushed it kept falling on my face because I was leaning my body forward to push. So I eventually moved it behind my neck. Oh and at 11:05 the nurse looked at me and Matt and said, "Your baby has hair. A lot of hair! Dad do you want to see?" Matt was amazed that he could see Baby B's hair and said it was a lot of dark hair.
The baby got stuck for a bit and when I'd been pushing for a little over an hour the nurse stepped out for a minute to call the doctor on call (no longer my doctor, but another one in the practice who, thankfully, was one I really like) to see if they needed to start pitocin to up the intensity of my contractions to see if that would help. The doctor decided to come on in and see how things were going. They ended up not doing pitocin because my contractions started getting closer together and were working. Also, having the doctor there and counting was added motivation for me to push even harder than I already was.
I feel like I should mention here that the whole giving birth process was much calmer than I imagined it would be. The lights were all off in the room except for the two spotlights on me. We kept movies going (Sweet Home Alabama at this point) and had conversations going. We'd pause the conversation when I had a contraction and then would pick it right back up again when the contraction was over. At some point the movie was over and Matt pulled up a Weepies album on Spoti.fy for me to listen to. Apparently the doctor also really liked the album and said she listened to it a lot. Eventually the nurse moved the mirror over and I could see Baby B's head and all that hair. That was also added motivation for pushing.
The Friday and Saturday before Eleanor was born I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. My stomach would tighten, and occasionally I could feel the tightness in my back. I timed them, and sometimes they were consistent (between 5-20 minutes apart) and sometimes they weren't. And they would slow down or stop at times. So while I was having more Braxton Hicks than normal, I didn't think much of them since they didn't keep up. Matt and I walked the mall a bit and I sat on my exercise ball a ton, but we couldn't get the contractions to stick around. By Sunday and Monday, when I wasn't having as many contractions we had resigned ourselves to waiting until Baby B decided to make an appearance and were convinced that we still had a while.
Monday 1/2 Matt and I hung around the house all day. We decided to go out to dinner at our favorite Japanese steakhouse as kind of a final nice date night for a while. Just as we were getting ready to head upstairs and change clothes I felt a pop and a gush of fluid. I told Matt, "Um, I think my water just broke." This was at 5:23pm. I called the doctor (my doctor was on call) and she said to come on in and get checked and that if my water had broken or I was having contractions that were causing me to dilate I would be staying. Keep in mind at this point that I am in no pain whatsoever. I'd been having some mild cramping off and on during the day on Monday, but nothing even as bad as when I'm starting my cycle. And again, cramping had been normal for me the last several weeks. Matt and I went upstairs, changed clothes, and took our time getting the last-minute things we needed for the hospital bag together. During this time was when I realized those mild cramps I had been having must be contractions, as they started to get a little more intense and were regular. But nothing that was really bothering me or that I couldn't talk through.
Matt and I got everything in the car and headed out. We stopped at Panera to get something to eat because 1. I was hungry and 2. I don't function well without food. We figured if I really was going to push a baby out, I needed to eat something. It was while Matt was inside ordering that the contractions (still just cramping, not the wrapping around your stomach and back that all the books and all of our childbirth classes said contractions felt like) started getting to the point that I needed to concentrate on breathing through them. They were painful, but I wasn't writhing in pain. Matt and I ate on the drive to the hospital, with me pausing in conversation about every 4 minutes to grip the door handle and breathe through a contraction.
We arrived at the hospital at 6:30, so only an hour after my water broke. The nurse took us to a triage room and checked me. She immediately told me that yes, my water and definitely broken AND I was already dilated to 8 cm and was 100% effaced. I looked at her in shock and, I'm not going to lie, swore. Not in a bad way at her, but in an "Oh, shit!" kind of way. I had thought that maybe I'd be dilated to 4 or 5 cm, but 8!?!?! That's like almost ready to push out a baby!
The nurses immediately got us moved down to a labor and delivery room and things were kind of a whirlwind for the next 45 minutes or so. I had nurses on both sides of me firing questions right and left. The anesthesiologist was in there getting ready to put in my epidural. By 7:15 my epidural was in and I wasn't feeling anything. Getting the epidural wasn't bad at all, I just felt some pressure. Honestly, the most painful part thus far (aside from those contractions that had definitely picked up pace and intensity but still felt like cramping) was getting the line placed for my IV in my left wrist/forearm.
The epidural was amazing. I couldn't feel any of the contractions that were showing up on the monitor. It was kind of weird to be able to move my legs around but not really feel them. I told Matt they felt like huge tree trunks when I felt them with my hands because I could just feel the pressure of my hands. But that epidural allowed me to get some rest, which was really helpful since we were heading into evening/night time. Matt and I hung out and watched a couple movies (A League of Their Own and When Harry Met Sally). I had purposely brought movies I knew well so I didn't really have to focus on them...because I thought I'd be dealing with contractions and would be at the hospital for a while waiting to dilate. I alternated between watching the movies and going in and out of sleep.
At 9:35 the nurse checked me again and I was dilated to 10 cm. The contractions had slowed down a bit due to the epidural and were now at about 5 minutes apart, which is why it took a little bit to get to 10. The nurse told me that the baby was still a little bit high to start pushing so they were going to let me labor down for about an hour. Basically this meant I continued to hang out in bed watching movies, sleeping, and letting the contractions do their job of pushing the baby down.
My mom got to the hospital around 10:30 and Matt brought her back to say hi to me. Not 10 minutes after my mom came in my nurse walked in and said, "Okay mama, ready to start pushing?" I was like, "Oh! Um, okay!" At this point it hadn't really sunk in that we were having a baby tonight. My mom went back out to the waiting room and the nurse talked to me about how to push. I started pushing at 10:40. For each contraction I would push for 3 counts of 10. The nurse watched the monitor and told me when to push. Each time I pushed she held one leg back while Matt held the other. In between I had Matt re-wet a washcloth with cold water. I had this on my forehead while I was hanging out in bed, but when I pushed it kept falling on my face because I was leaning my body forward to push. So I eventually moved it behind my neck. Oh and at 11:05 the nurse looked at me and Matt and said, "Your baby has hair. A lot of hair! Dad do you want to see?" Matt was amazed that he could see Baby B's hair and said it was a lot of dark hair.
The baby got stuck for a bit and when I'd been pushing for a little over an hour the nurse stepped out for a minute to call the doctor on call (no longer my doctor, but another one in the practice who, thankfully, was one I really like) to see if they needed to start pitocin to up the intensity of my contractions to see if that would help. The doctor decided to come on in and see how things were going. They ended up not doing pitocin because my contractions started getting closer together and were working. Also, having the doctor there and counting was added motivation for me to push even harder than I already was.
I feel like I should mention here that the whole giving birth process was much calmer than I imagined it would be. The lights were all off in the room except for the two spotlights on me. We kept movies going (Sweet Home Alabama at this point) and had conversations going. We'd pause the conversation when I had a contraction and then would pick it right back up again when the contraction was over. At some point the movie was over and Matt pulled up a Weepies album on Spoti.fy for me to listen to. Apparently the doctor also really liked the album and said she listened to it a lot. Eventually the nurse moved the mirror over and I could see Baby B's head and all that hair. That was also added motivation for pushing.
At 12:45am the nurse and doctor helped me move to the edge of the table and put my feet up in stirrups. It wasn't until the nurse laid a towel on my chest and called for nurses to come in to take care of the baby that I realized we were having a baby SOON. That, and the doctor putting on shoe covers, a gown, etc, which happened at 1:05am. After a few more pushes Baby B came out all at once at 1:31am on 1/3/2012. Matt took a look and told me, "It's a girl!" He cut the cord and when she was laid on the towel on my chest I started crying. It still seemed really surreal that we had a daughter, that she was here. Eleanor was 7 pounds 3 ounces and 19.5 inches long.
I held Eleanor for a minute and then the nurses took her over to get her cleaned off and checked out. The doctor stitched me back up (I only had a second degree tear) and I definitely had to ask her to move the mirror over. I didn't want or need to see that part because I knew if I could feel what she was doing it would really hurt. After Eleanor got cleaned up and swaddled they brought her over for Matt to hold. This was within 10 minutes or so of her being born. He had texted my mom to let her know Baby B was here, but didn't tell her if it was a boy or a girl :) After I got moved back up on the bed I attempted feeding Eleanor before my mom came back.
When Matt went out to get my mom and brought her in the room I definitely made her guess whether it was a boy or a girl. For the record, she guessed boy :) My mom got some time to hold Eleanor. The nurse brought in some boxed lunches for Matt and I since the cafeteria downstairs closed at 2am and it was just after 2:00 at this point. A cold cut turkey sandwich has never tasted so good!
Around 3:30ish (I think) I was wheeled upstairs to a postpartum room. My mom headed to our house to get some sleep and Matt and I sort of got some sleep in our room.
All in all it was a great experience. All the nurses and the doctor were amazing, and the hospital was awesome. I did joke with Matt that it was funny we had gone to all those classes about how to deal with contractions and had brought the exercise ball and some massagers to use during labor...and we had no use for them since I was so far dilated when we got to the hospital :)
And because she's so cute, here's a picture of Eleanor from a newborn photo shoot we did today with a local photographer, Elisabeth Smith. There are 4 posted on Fac.ebook and I can't wait to see the rest! Our daughter is so beautiful!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A few quick photos
We are loving our time with Eleanor. We are still in the hospital and will head home sometime tomorrow. We've had lots of visitors last night and today and Eleanor has enjoyed meeting our "family" here. Matt is an amazing dad and it's been such a joy to watch him with our daughter. Our daughter - that's still sinking in. I'm healing pretty well and am feeling much better today than I was yesterday. Eleanor and I are figuring out feeding and it's getting better every time. Here are a few quick pictures from yesterday and today. Enjoy - she's beautiful!
(My mom bought the bow at the gift shop downstairs)
The first of monthly pictures, courtesy of Matt's photography skills :)
Daddy's girl
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
It's a girl!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Just waiting on baby
The nursery is finished, car seat is installed, hospital bags are packed...c'mon Baby B! At my appointment yesterday I found out that I'm making some good progress and Baby B's head is "really low". Good to know all those braxton hicks contractions are doing what they're supposed to! My doctor is on call this weekend and she said that hopefully she'd see me at the hospital! I'm trying not to get too excited, but Matt and I are really ready to meet our child. Plus, I'd love it if my actual doctor was the one who delivered Baby B. So now I'm bouncing on my exercise ball, eating spicy food, and walking a lot in hopes that Baby B decides to make his/her appearance soon!
Here are some photos of our finished nursery, courtesy of my awesome husband and his photography habit :) There is one more thing I want to hang on the wall that I need to order, but outside of that, it's ready for the baby!
Here are some photos of our finished nursery, courtesy of my awesome husband and his photography habit :) There is one more thing I want to hang on the wall that I need to order, but outside of that, it's ready for the baby!
The mobile I made, courtesy of something I found on Pint.erest
Don't worry, the bumpers will come off before Baby B. actually sleeps in the crib :)
A friend did the painting for us based on the fabric from the crib bumpers - which helped us pick the colors for the room
Yay for books!
You can't see it well unless you're up close, but each of those pictures has a Bible verse printed underneath. I got them from this seller on Etsy. I'm planning on ordering a button initial monogram from here to hang above the dresser in that little nook.
Hopefully Baby B. decides to come soon! We are so excited and ready to meet him/her!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Maternity Pictures
A friend of ours is a photographer, and when he was running a special in November to benefit his family's international adoption of two children Matt and I decided this was perfect timing to book him to take some photos of us. Micah (of micahbellphotography) did a great job! Here are a handful of our favorites.
It's nice to have some good pictures of us that are more recent than our wedding 3.5 years ago. We really wanted pictures of us just kind of hanging out with each other, enjoying being together. We're excited to have these. Thanks Micah!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas!
There is something about being 9 months pregnant at Christmas this year that has me really thinking about Mary and how she must have felt. I know how excited Matt and I are to meet our child soon, and all the anticipation and uncertainties that come along with that. I can't imagine how Mary (and Joseph) must have felt knowing that the child they were going to meet wasn't just any baby, but was the Son of God, the Savior. They must have been so excited to meet Him, but I wonder at all if they were nervous about having been entrusted to carry and raise Jesus. I think about the immense faith they must have had, trusting God that He would provide for them and take care of everything. And to be chosen by God to be the earthly parents of Jesus? Wow.
There's a song that I heard a year or two ago around Christmas that has become one of the songs I love listening to this time of year. It's called "Labor of Love" and it's about Jesus's birth and what that must have been like for Mary and Joseph, all alone in a stable in an unfamiliar town. How hard that must have been, not only for Mary with no one else to help her, but for Joseph, who I'm guessing had probably never seen/been around someone giving birth, not to mention having to watch the woman he loved in so much pain. Here's a link to the song on YouT.ube if you want to hear it:
There's a song that I heard a year or two ago around Christmas that has become one of the songs I love listening to this time of year. It's called "Labor of Love" and it's about Jesus's birth and what that must have been like for Mary and Joseph, all alone in a stable in an unfamiliar town. How hard that must have been, not only for Mary with no one else to help her, but for Joseph, who I'm guessing had probably never seen/been around someone giving birth, not to mention having to watch the woman he loved in so much pain. Here's a link to the song on YouT.ube if you want to hear it:
Matt and I are having a quiet Christmas this year, and I'm actually really looking forward to the rest of today and the next couple of weeks. My dad and stepmom came up last Sunday, and my mom and stepdad came up Friday and left yesterday. Matt and I have plans to just hang around the house, watch movies, relax, and open our gifts to one another today. And we are hoping to spend the next week or two going on dates and just enjoying our time with one another. Things around the house are pretty much ready for Baby B, with the exception of putting the swing together (which will happen when the Christmas tree comes down tomorrow) and getting our car seat inspected (happening Wednesday). We are still a bit in awe that within the next couple weeks or so we will get to meet our child.
I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!
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